


place holder // gawsten

by florallyfaded



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Suicide, eventual gawsten, geoff is just gay and loves awsten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-04-21 18:08:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14290425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florallyfaded/pseuds/florallyfaded
Summary: geoff's a wreck, awsten can't take his tongue out of ciara's throat long enough to notice, and otto just wants things to be ok.or: in which geoff can't have awsten so he makes do with what he can.lowercase intended.





	1. prologue

trigger warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter. none for the first couple.

XxX

"no, awsten!" geoff yelled. "believe it or not, i _don't_ like watching you follow some girl who doesn't love you like a sad fucking puppy dog! but you haven't stopped and then you cry and wonder why this happens to you but not for one second do you ever think that it's because you can't see that there are people who would do anything for you right in fucking front of you." awsten's eyes were wide, taking in the scene before him. "but, by all means, tell us again how much you love her. because i'm sure the guy who's tongue is down her throat loves her that much too."

XxX

hey guys!!! i havent written a parx story before, im super pumped about it. gawsten is real and im in love w geoff. thats all. have a nice night. chapter one coming soon :)

( lol yes this is also on wattpad )


	2. and it's haunting me, but i feel fine.

geoff's pov :)

i hated silence. my thoughts were constantly aggressive and noise made a good distraction. my job was to make noise. sounds were familiar. familiar is good.

so the unfamiliarity of the silence while we drove to the next venue had me uneasy. otto was in the back seat, staring out the window at nothing more than trees that lined the stretch of highway they were on. i was driving, occasionally fiddling with the stereo when a commercial came up. awsten was on his phone in the passenger seat, scrolling through instagram and twitter, occasionally chuckling to himself.

"geoff, can you turn the volume down? ciara's calling." i just turned the radio down as an answer, eyes focusing on the road.

"hey, ci!" awsten greeted. i internally groaned when i realized it was a facetime call. my gaze shot up to the rearview mirror, where otto's eyes met mine. sympathy flashed in the drummer's warm brown eyes.

"babe, i miss you!" the blonde girl pouted. i rolled my eyes, knowing awsten couldn't see me, and tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

"i miss you too, lovely," awsten replied. "but tour's gonna be over soon, and i'll be home for two months after."

"actually," ciara started, "i kinda wanted to ask you something..." otto's eyes met mine in the mirror again, and i could see the suspicion he felt.

"what's that?" awsten asked.

"what if i flew to you for your show tomorrow and traveled with you guys for the last couple shows?"

"no room, sorry." otto deadpanned from the backseat. i held back a chuckle as i switched lanes.

"otto, there's a whole open seat next to you." awsten laughed, not noticing otto's monotone voice.

"yeah, and that's where i rest my legs. spot's taken. sorry." he leaned forward and grabbed awsten's phone from the purple boy before he could register it. "hey ciara, really sorry to break the news to you but there's not enough room for you." he ended the facetime.

"otto!" awsten scolded. "what the fuck, man?!" otto just rolled his eyes.

"awsten, this isn't your car and it certainly isn't ciara's. she can't just invite herself in to it." awsten turned to face me.

"please, geoff, can ci come?" he whined. otto looked at my eyes in the mirror, willing me to say no.

"i don't know, aws..." i started.

"please?" i looked in to the heterochromic boy's eyes and let out a sigh.

"don't you think having otto and ciara crammed in the backseat's a bad idea? it won't be comfortable and then otto's just gonna keep complaining and-"

"but she's gonna keep complaining too!"

"so would you rather her complain now or later?" otto asked. "because i vote later."

awsten stayed quiet, before whimpering back a quiet, "why do you guys hate her so much?" i looked up to meet otto's eyes, and could see the confliction he felt.

he hated ciara, but, god, did he hate seeing awsten upset more.

"it's up to geoff." he muttered, defeated as he collapsed back in to the back seat and pulled out his phone. he couldn't see my glare, but my eyes shot up to the rear-view mirror and shot daggers at him.

"please, geoff?" i sighed, not taking my eyes off the road.

"fine." i agreed. "but if it gets to be too much i'm gonna call you out on it."

"that's fine!" awsten happily agrees, pulling out his phone. he unlocked it and went to his call log.

"awsten, we don't like the girl and we're gonna have to spend three days with her in this van. do _not_ fucking facetime her now." otto growled from the backseat. "just text her, like a normal person."

awsten sank back down in his seat. i felt my heart sink a little bit with him.

XxX

aight lets see how this goes guys.


	3. chapter twooooooo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heheheheh i hate ciara

i couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed about ciara joining us for the last few days of the tour. otto and i had agreed a long time ago that we weren’t too fond of her; she never seemed very genuine to us. however, awsten insisted that we just didn’t know her well enough, and otto and i had no choice other than to allow him to think he was right.

i knew otto and i weren’t the only ones who didn’t like her. jawn and travis both said they got bad vibes from her, and zakk ignored her altogether. none of us had good reasoning for a long time, though. we just didn’t like her.

one night, back when we were touring with all time low, that changed.

alex and jack were planning on going out after the show, and invited us all to go out with them. awsten wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, but ciara had convinced him it’d be a fun time, and he tagged along.

the club we’d all ended up at was dark and packed, everyone pressing against each other. clubs were never really my scene; i was more of a “chill in the basement with some pot and beer” kinda guy, but that wasn’t easy to find on the road, and i was willing to take what i could get.

i made my way through the crowd to the bar, ordering myself a double jack and coke, and quickly stepping outside with my drink in hand.

it was nice out, and a warm summer breeze drifted through the streets of baltimore. perfect weather for a cigarette.

i pulled out my pack of menthols, lighting one up and leaning against the brick wall. i relaxed as the nicotine buzz fell over me, and i felt a weight lift off my shoulders. i sipped from my drink, enjoying the slight sting, when i heard a giggle. i ignored it at first. after all, it wasn’t like we weren’t at a club. of course some drunk couple was making out in an alleyway, it wasn’t surprising.

i was going to keep minding my own business, but then i saw a flash of blonde. my stomach flipped.

don’t get me wrong, i hated ciara. but i really wanted to be wrong about her. i genuinely wanted her to be what awsten thought she was; a sweet, caring, adventurous girl with a cute laugh and infectious smile. i knew she wasn’t the angel he’d hoped she was, but i wanted to think that there was some form of validity to what he thought of her.

y’know how they say you can’t take your eyes away from a car crash? this wasn’t just a car crash. this was an eighteen wheeler flipping over on a new jersey freeway that sends chills down your whole body because it isn’t your fault and there’s nothing you can do.

she was smiling in to the kiss and laughing, holding hands with someone who most definitely wasn’t the blue haired boy it should have been.

i think my heart hurt more when i saw her cheating on awsten than it did when i walked in on chloe with someone else.

scratch that, it most definitely hurt more.


	4. chapter threeee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise everything's going to come together at some point i just wanna set this up as well as possible

i never told awsten about that night at the club. ciara had a new kind of hold over awsten that i hadn’t seen before. it was obvious how dedicated he was to her, it broke me to see that she wasn’t nearly as devoted.

i’d talked with otto about what i’d seen, he wanted me to tell awsten. i couldn’t hurt him like that, though. i didn’t want to be looking in to his eyes when his spirit was broken and his world fell apart. so i told otto that i told awsten, and that him and ciara managed to work things out.

otto complained about ciara even more after that, which made me regret telling him at all. i always fuck up and tell people things i should just keep to myself.

i would get this really harsh feeling in the bottom of my gut when i thought about ciara cheating on awsten. i didn’t get why someone would want to hurt him like that. awsten always gave ciara his all; he would constantly be flying between la and houston to see her as much as he could. he wrote songs about her and showed her off. he gave her his full attention. she just gave him shit.

a few times, awsten had come to me upset about an argument with ciara. i had almost told him about what i’d seen that night, but never did. i knew he’d be heart broken.

i felt like a bad friend, keeping these things from him, but i didn’t want to hurt him. he didn’t deserve any more hurt.

when otto started dating grace, awsten was in the worst state i’d ever seen him. he didn’t want to leave his room, he wasn’t talking to anyone, he was an entirely different person than the awsten we knew. i was pissed at otto for a while, but realized he deserved to be happy too. i just wish it wasn’t at awsten’s expense.

we’d managed to move forward, even though i’d been convinced that was the end of waterparks. awsten managed to write the most heart wrenching songs, and almost immediately after, ciara waltzed in and he was in love again.

as awsten fell more and more in love with her, i became more and more detached. i didn’t talk to the guys like i used to. chloe and i had broken up, and it left me in a bad place, but i didn’t want otto and aws to know. all they knew was chloe and i split. they didn’t know the details.

it was a beautiful day out, and i couldn’t wait to finally be home. we’d been in la and just wrapped up a string of shows with good charlotte, and i missed houston. i thought it’d be nice to surprise chloe, since i hadn’t seen her in so long. i told her my flight was getting back later than it was.

needless to say, it blew up in my face, and she was in bed with another guy.

i was upset, but i felt more numb than sad. it wasn’t the first time i’d been cheated on. i kept feeling like i was the problem.

that was the loneliest night i’d had in a while.

after a couple beers and a blunt, i reached for my phone. my thumb hovered over the call button, but i stopped myself. i didn’t need to tell awsten. he would do to me what i did for him with grace. i didn’t want someone to hover over me like that.

instead, i stood up from my living room couch, grabbed another beer from the fridge, and put on another episode of the office.

if i was going to be sad, i would be sad alone.


	5. chapter fourrrr

ciara met us at the next venue. otto and i were less than thrilled about it, and didn't try to hide it. we'd managed to get a hotel for the night, and i was quick to get a room with otto. i was happy i wouldn't be stuck around aws and ciara.

otto and i were a lot closer than awsten realized. otto was always my go-to guy when i was scared of judgement. i came out to him as bisexual when the band first started, and i still hadn't told awsten. otto also knew about my crush on awsten, but didn't know the full extent.

otto was truly the best friend i could've asked for. he's always there for me to talk to, no matter what it's about. him and i shared our dislike of ciara, which helped me out a lot. it was easier to rant knowing he felt the same way about her.

after the show, ciara and awsten were in the backseat, otto was in the front. the show had just been wrapped up, and i was exhausted. sleeping hadn't been easy lately. i found myself either not falling asleep at all or waking up randomly. it was definitely taking it's toll on me, but i didn't want to worry anyone.

"great show tonight, guys!" i internally cringed and looked at otto. her voice reminded me of nails on a chalkboard.

"thanks, ci." otto replied. i didn't answer at all.

"geoff?" awsten asked. i glanced up in to the rearview mirror with a raised eyebrow. "you okay?"

"yeah," i responded, nodding. "just feeling tired." otto looked at me skeptically, i just shrugged.

we only had one show left before we would be done with tour. the last show was in houston, which meant we could just go home. i was thrilled. i needed some distance from awsten and ciara. i couldn't stand that sick feeling i got in my stomach as he held her hand.

i wondered what it was like to hold his hand.

after ten minutes that felt like two hours, we got to the hotel. i was quick to grab my shit out of the car and start heading in, the idea of laying in a bed sounding beyond perfect.

"hey, geoff!" a voice called. i turned to see ciara.

"yeah?" i asked, raising an eyebrow. she glanced around us before stepping closer to me.

"i don't know what your deal is, or what you have against me, but the attitude needs to stop." i chuckled, not surprised by her arrogance.

"listen, if you have an issue with my attitude, you should bring it up to someone who cares." i turned to walk towards the hotel again, but ciara's words stopped me.

"no wonder chloe found someone else. why would she stick around for a dick like you?" my heart dropped in to my stomach.

_did i deserve it?_

i shook my head, and looked back at ciara.

"you gonna tell awsten you cheated on him? or should i?" my voice was low, so only she could hear me. her eyes went wide and i chuckled.

"i- i never cheated on him!" she told me. i laughed.

"so making out with some guy behind a club while everyone's out having a good time isn't cheating?" i raised my eyebrow.

_i deserved it._

"i don't know what youre talking about." she shot back.

"you sure do." i needed to end the conversation. "sleep tight, ci. and keep those legs closed."

i picked up my bags and kept walking, trying to ignore the stinging in my eyes and lump in my throat.

_i deserved it._


	6. chapter fiiiive

trigger warning: stay safe babes.

the alarm clock by my bedside displayed 2:48 in bright red numbers. the only light in the room came from the streetlamps outside that were miraculously placed right outside of the windows. i could see the shadows on otto's face as he slept in the other twin-sized bed.

i had yet to sleep.

i couldn't get the altercation with ciara out of my head, which i hated more than anything. i could differentiate between my rational and irrational thoughts. but just because i could acknowledge that something was irrational didn't mean i wouldn't do it.

as i recalled the conversation with her again, i felt my stomach do that familiar twist, and the lump form in my throat. my fingers wandered to my forearms, and my nails began pressing in to my skin. the little crescent shaped divets weren't enough. with a heavy sigh, i crossed the room and dug in to my toiletries bag. with ease, i found the cardboard box that i was looking for.

before i could comprehend what i was doing, i was standing in the bathroom with slashes up my left forearm. blood dripped down my arm and in to the porcelain sink. i quickly grabbed toilet paper and began cleaning up the blood. i kept applying pressure to the cuts, but the bleeding was taking some time to slow. i gulped.

"geoff? you in there?" panic kicked up in me as i realized otto had woken up.

"yeah, everything ok?" i asked, weakly.

"yeah, you good? you're not usually up at night." otto was a lot more observant than we gave him credit for.

"everything's good, yeah." i lied. "just had to use the bathroom and i figured i'd take some benadryl to help me fall asleep."

"alright, sleep tight, man."

"you too."

i waited until i heard otto's feet padding out to the beds before i allowed myself to relax.

i quickly cleaned up the blood and threw a sweatshirt on to cover up my arm. as dumb as it sounds, hurting yourself is exhausting. everytime i do it, i end up sleeping way more.

the bedside table clock showed that it was now 3:20. i let out a final yawn before my eyes began to flutter shut.

XxX

okay i know this is bad rn but i promise that once we get further in to the story itll get better ty to everyone whos supported it so far <3


	7. siiix ( six six party w the devil bitch )

the next morning, i found myself wincing when i stretched. the cuts on my arm would sting, and i’d hold back a hiss of pain. otto thankfully never asked why i’d had issues sleeping the night before. i was relieved that he didn’t question it. i was awful at coming up with on the spot lies.

the whole day seemed to pass by slowly. awsten and ciara were off doing their thing, and otto was meeting grace at a nearby restaurant.

of course, as soon as awsten got to bring ciara, otto wanted to bring grace.

part of me wondered if that was otto’s way of getting back at awsten for inviting ciara. it seemed like there was a lot of unresolved conflict between those two. i never said anything, because it wasn’t my place, but i couldn’t say it wasn’t obvious.

i glanced at the clock and frowned. it was 10:30 in the morning. otto wouldn’t be back until later, and when he got back, he’d be packing up his shit and going to the new room he got with grace anyways.

i sighed as i realized that i would be the only member of the band falling asleep and waking up to an empty bed.

XxX

the show went smoothly, as expected. i was hurrying to get back to the hotel, wanting to be as far away from everyone as possible. awsten made a few joking remarks about my silence, but stopped when he realized i wasn’t in the mood to talk at all. he tried asking what was wrong before the show, i simply played it off as exhaustion.

“gee?” i heard otto call. i turned from the trunk, sifting through my keys while i tried to find the right one.

“yeah?” i asked, not looking up.

“look at me, man.” i sensed the urgency in his tone and looked up at him. he stared in to my eyes for a few seconds. “what’s going on? you look like you haven’t slept in months.”

“thanks, otto, means a lot.” i responded, rolling my eyes. “anyways, it feels that way too. i’ll be fine once we get home.” he looked skeptical.

“if you need to start seeing that doctor again, geoff, i swear to god, you better go.” i raised my eyebrows at him.

“didn’t realize you were making my medical decisions for me now.” i spat. he looked shocked by my short answer. i was kinda shocked too, not expecting to sound so snippy. “i’m sorry.” i immediately apologized. “i shouldn’t have snapped like that, i know you’re just trying to help.” i sighed and began fiddling with my keys again, not meeting otto’s eyes. “i’m just having a shitty couple days. i’ll be fine, i promise.” he nodded, still staring me down warily. “do you and grace need a ride back to the hotel? i already have my stuff but if you want, i can take you guys back.” the drummer shook his head.

“grace drove, we’re just going home.” i nodded, smiling slightly. we were finally home. my phone started ringing in my pocket and i groaned, already knowing it was awsten.

“geoff?” he asked. he sounded upset, and i furrowed my eyebrows, looking up at otto. “are we leaving soon?”

“yeah, i’m at the car. you okay?” i asked him, earning otto’s attention. i heard a sniffle on the other end.

“yeah, we’ll talk in the car.” i nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see me.

“okay, i’ll see you in a bit.”

i waved goodbye to otto and continued loading shit in the car, wanting to get home.

awsten came out a few minutes later, his eyes were red and ciara wasn’t following.

“you good?” i asked. he nodded.

“let’s just go.” i complied and opened the door for him, smiling at the slight blush that covered his cheeks. i got in to the driver’s seat and pulled out of the venue as quickly as possible, glancing at the clock. 11:30.

“just back to your house?” i asked. awsten just nodded, and i sighed lightly.

five minutes from awsten’s house, we pulled over at an heb.

“i’ll be right back.” i told him. he nodded again, remaining silent. i walked in to the store and grabbed stuff to cheer up awsten.

i came back outside with a large bottle of orange juice and two pints of ice cream, one for each of us. i got in to the driver’s seat and gave him a small smile as i presented the items to him.

he smiled, but tears welled up in his eyes. he quickly wiped them away with the sleeves of his jumper.

“what’s wrong, aws?” i asked, softly. he let out a shaky breath before he looked up at me.

“were you gonna tell me ciara cheated on me?” the question surprised me. “i get why you wouldn’t. i just…” he trailed off.

“she told you?” i asked. he nodded.

“it’s been going on for a while, too.” i raised my eyebrow.

“and with multiple people?” i asked. he looked at me confused.

“what?” i ran a hand down my face with a heavy sigh.

“she was making out with someone at one of the clubs we stopped on last tour. i figured it was a guy she met there.” i saw awsten’s eyes begin to gloss over, and my heart tore. “c’mon, we’re gonna go for a drive.” i said, taking the car out of park and pulling out of the lot. he didn’t respond, instead he wiped his eyes again and pulled his legs up so his knees were tucked under his chin.

it was cute, really, but i couldn’t appreciate it in the moment given the circumstances.

i glanced down at the glovebox and smiled, remembering the stash i had tucked away. i opened it, keeping one hand on the wheel and grabbed the pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and the tiny bag with three joints in it.

“oh, fuck yeah.” awsten smiled.

little known fact: awsten is not nearly as pure and innocent as he attempts come across as. he’s never had a sip of alcohol, but that’s because he was more of a drugs guy. the first time i’d met him, he was actually two tabs deep in to an acid trip.

i smiled at him and lit one of the joints, taking a few inhales before passing it to him. he happily accepted and took a few hits. i grabbed a cigarette from the pack.

“want one?” he nodded, and i passed him one of the menthol cigarettes.

“wait,” he said, before breaking out into giggles. “how do i smoke these both at the same time?” i laughed at his low tolerance.

“you have two hands for a reason, aws.”

we drove for about twenty minutes before i got to where i wanted to take him. it was an old state park that overlooked the city. since it was night, no one would be there and the lights from houston would be easy to see. i parked in the lot and he looked at me.

“where the fuck are we?” he asked, wondrously. i chuckled.

“just a spot i know.”

“you’re not gonna murder me, right?”

“damn, you figured me out.” awsten laughed, and i smiled at the sound. he had a genuine laugh. it was infectious and made everyone smile. i loved it. “wait,” i stopped him before he could get out of the car, “grab another joint.” he nodded and pulled one out of the bag before stepping out of the car. i grabbed the bag from heb and a blanket that was in my backseat.

i led him down the dark path. it was a huge state park, and had some of the most gorgeous sights in houston.

“how have i never been here?” awsten asked. “it’s beautiful.” i smiled.

“you haven’t seen the best of it yet.” he stopped and looked at me, his jaw dropped and his eyes red. not from crying, though, which was better than nothing.

“it gets better?!” he exclaimed, like an excited child. i laughed and nodded.

“just a couple more minutes of walking.” he followed my lead as we walked.

we reached the clearing, and i heard him gasp.

“holy shit…” i nodded in agreement.

“it’s a great place, i always end up here.” he walked up to the railing that overlooked the town.

“it’s beautiful.” he spoke softly. i nodded again, and gestured for him to pass the joint. he complied and i lit the end, taking three large inhales and passing it back to him. “how did you find this?” he asked in between hits.

“my mom and i used to come on walks here a lot.” i explained. “we stopped going together, but i still come here a lot.”

“why’d your mom stop coming?” he asked, curiously. i chuckled.

“she’s nuts, man.” i laughed, gesturing for him to pass me the joint. he raised an eyebrow at me and passed back the joint?”

“what kinda nuts?” he questioned. “i thought you guys were good?”

“we are.” i told him. “we just weren’t for a very long time.” i took another hit from the joint, hoping the conversation would cease.

silence filled the space between us.

i fucking hate silence.

“do you wanna talk about it?” i asked him. he shrugged.

“i just thought she was the one.” he said, sadly. “she made me feel all gooey and warm inside.” i nodded.

“i get it.”

“did you think chloe was the one?”

“absolutely not.” i immediately answered. he looked surprised. “i liked her, don’t get me wrong.” i explained. “but sometimes it’s easier to end things earlier. otherwise i would’ve been dragging out a relationship i wasn’t in to and i couldn’t ruin her like that.”

“you’re such a good guy, man.” awsten blurted out. “like, seriously. so many people would’ve stuck around for her looks, regardless of if they loved her or not.” i nodded.

“she’s not the greatest, but she deserves someone’s whole heart.”

“how did the break up go?” i shrugged, feeling the high kick in.

“messy. it wasn’t pretty at all.”

“what made you do it?”

“the guy she was in bed with.” i muttered. my eyes widened.

_why am i fucking honest when i’m high?_

“you never… i didn’t know.”

“i didn’t want you to.” i told him. “i don’t blame her for it, so i just wanted to keep it to myself and move on.”

“you don’t blame her?!” he suddenly yelled. “how the fuck do you not blame her? there’s no excuse for cheating!”

i just sighed.

“i deserved it.” i stated, after a few minutes of silence. “it’s kharma for telling her i loved her when i didn’t.” awsten stayed quiet.

“does it get better?” he asked, after a few minutes. i looked over at him. the moon lit his face, and i could see he was trying to hold it together.

“yeah, as long as you handle it better than i did, it does.”


	8. chapter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for mentions of self harm and suicidal thoughts.

“so you’re back with her?” i asked, my tone sounding amused. the blue boy was sitting on my couch in my living room. awsten wouldn’t meet my eyes, but he nodded. i just sighed. it was a week after our night at the park, and i’d really hoped awsten had realized he didn’t deserve to be stuck with her.

“why do you even care?” he asked me. i shrugged at him.

“at this point? i’m not sure.” i replied. i stood up from my couch and walked to the kitchen.

“where are you going?” he stood up and followed me. “we’re talking about something, don’t just leave!”

“i’m grabbing a beer.” i answered, snippily.

“you drink too much.” he told me.

“and you stay with cheaters. i guess we both have our flaws.” i growled back. his eyes widened, surprised by my anger.

“what happened to you?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. i let out a dark chuckle.

“well, wouldn’t you like to know?”

XxX

awsten left right after that. i tried not to be so angry with him, but i couldn’t entirely control it. once he left, i felt myself starting to decompress. i ran up to my bedroom and rolled myself a joint.

my bedroom window leads to a roof that faces the back of my yard. it was my own little smoke spot. i quickly grabbed my phone and crawled through the space, enjoying the fresh air outside. i pulled out my orange later and lit the joint. the first inhale was smooth, and a smile graced my face. after a few more hits and doing dumb smoke tricks, i began to feel the high set in.

i sat on the roof for a about half an hour. it only took me around ten to smoke, but being outside is something i genuinely love. i let out a frown as i realized how little i get outside nowadays. i glanced at my arms, noting how pale they’d become. the slices on my arm had healed pretty well, and luckily no one had seen them.

my phone started ringing, interrupting me from my thoughts.

“hello?”

 _“what the fuck happened between you and awsten?”_ i pulled the phone away from my ear and glanced at the screen, seeing otto’s name.

“woah, what?” i asked. i didn’t think much had really happened. a tiny spat that we’d get over in a day.

 _“awsten just called me crying about how the band’s gonna end because of whatever the fuck just happened between you two?”_ i groaned.

“i wasn’t mean, i just told him it’s dumb he went back to ciara.” i explained. “seriously, awsten’s just overreacting. i’ll text him and tell him everything’s fine.”

 _“are you high?”_ otto asked.

“yeah, actually.” i chuckled.

_“so you’re on the roof?”_

“yeah?” i answered, confused. “why?”

 _“you’re not…”_ otto paused. _“you’re not thinking about anything bad, right?”_

“what?” i asked, shocked. “no, otto, what the fuck?” i heard him let out a frustrated sigh.

 _“awsten’s worried about you… he said something about something happening to you?”_ my heart rate quickened. my hands were shaking. how did i fucking slip up so bad.

“i gotta go, otto. i’ll talk to you later.”

 _“geoff, wa-”_ i hung up before he could answer.

i glanced over the roof.

it was a thirty-six foot drop.

i moved a little closer to the edge. i stared down at the ground below me.

_don’t be a pussy, geoff._

_you can do it._

_two feet over the ledge and you’ll never have to see anyone ever again. that’s what you want, isn’t it? to be less of a burden?_

my phone interrupted my thoughts.

“yeah?” i answered, not looking at the screen.

 _“geoff, seriously. just promise me you’re not doing anything dangerous.”_ it was otto, again.

“otto, where the fuck is this all coming from?” i asked, still staring over the edge. “seriously, what gave you the idea i was gonna hurt myself or something? i’m fine, dude.”

_“i don’t believe you.”_

“why the fuck not?” i asked, angrily.

_“cause i found bloody napkins in the hotel bathroom garbage the other morning.”_

oh, fuck.

“i had a bloody nose, otto.” i lied. “that’s why i was up in the middle of the night.” he didn’t answer.

 _“okay.”_ he finally responded. _“i don’t know if i believe you, but okay.”_ i sighed.

“i’ll talk to you later, otto.”

_“okay. text me if ya need me.”_

i hung up and slid the phone back in to my pocket with shaky hands. my eyes glanced over the edge one more time before i shook my head, turned around, and crawled back in through the window.

maybe another time.


	9. chapter nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for a panic attack and mentions of self harm.
> 
> there's also a hospital scene so if that triggers you, you should probably skip this

three days after my conversation with otto, we all met for chipotle. everything was fine, like i’d predicted it would be. it was a fun lunch, filled with jokes, laughs, and smiles.

“you guys ready for the next leg?” otto asked. i nodded, taking a bite of my burrito. an excited smile crossed awsten’s face.

“it’s gonna be great,” he told us. “we’re gonna have lasers this time, i’ll make sure of it.”

XxX

“jesus _christ,_ geoff, what were you thinking?” otto scolded as i sat down on the couch in the dressing room. i let out a groan of agony, holding my left arm. a sharp pain jolted through my shoulder, causing me to wince.

“otto, shut up, it’s not like he tripped on purpose.” awsten defended me. otto rolled his eyes, and looked at me.

of _course_ i busted ass on stage.

our first show of the tour. i busted ass. i’d managed to trip on a stray guitar cable halfway through the set, which sent me flying to the ground. i turned to protect my guitar from the hard stage, and slammed my left shoulder in to the ground.

“c’mon, we gotta get you to the doctor.” otto told me. i immediately began shaking my head. “geoff, man, i think you dislocated your shoulder. you have to.”

“just google it or something,” i spoke through gritted teeth. “there’s gotta be some wikihow on putting your shoulder back in place.”

“you want us to google how to fucking shove your arm back in to its socket?” awsten asked, incredulously. “fuck no, you’re going to the hospital.” i gulped.

everything went fuzzy. tears were welling up in my eyes. my breathing sped up. i was shaking.

 _hospital?_ my thoughts raced. _no no no not a hospital i know what happens in hospitals i know i know iknowiknowiknow people die in hospitals i don’t want to die that way i want to die on my own terms i can’t go to a hospital i can’t i can’t ican’tican’tican’t remember the last time i was in the hospital and the time before that and-_

suddenly, awsten was crouching in front of me, placing my right hand on his chest. i vaguely heard him reminding me to breathe, but holy _shit_ i couldn’t there was _water in my lungs there had to be there had to be there had to be there’s no way there wasn’t i couldn’t be making up the liquid filling up my lungs and drowning me and squeezing the life from my body i couldn’t i couldn’t i couldn’t-_ the water levels began to deplete.

“feel that? that’s my heart. you have one too, geoff. it’s beating. you’re okay. just listen to me, you’ll be alright.” he reassured me. the drowning stopped, and my breathing started to slow down again. “that’s it, you’re alright,” he cooed, rubbing comforting circles on my back.

silence filled the air between us. my eyes darted to the ground, avoiding meeting awsten and otto’s eyes.

“does that happen a lot?” otto asked, finally, i gulped, and shook my head 'no', finally looking up.

_liarliarliar._

the warmth of awsten’s hand left my back, and i took another deep breath.

“i’m sorry you guys had to see that.” i told them.

“don’t be,” awsten immediately replied. “it’s okay. we understand.” i simply nodded. “but i still think you need to go to a hospital.” i opened my mouth to object, but he cut me off. “gee, we can’t do this for you. we aren’t doctors. we might make things worse.”

“aws is right, gee.” otto told me. “what if we fuck with the nerves and tendons in your shoulder and suddenly you’re paralyzed? you wouldn’t be able to play guitar.” _and there’s the catch._

they won the debate, and i was sitting in the backseat of the car while otto drove us to the closest emergency room. awsten insisted i sit in front, but i blatantly ignored him and sat in the back.

i put my earbuds and listened to citizen for the car ride there. the stinging in my arm persisted, but i just ignored it,

until otto hit a bump.

“holy fuck,” i hissed in pain. awsten whipped around.

“are you okay?” he asked, worriedly. i nodded, holding my shoulder. “gee, you’re crying.” he pointed out, sadly.

“i’m in pain, aws, it’s fine.” i reassured him. “we’re on our way to the hospital, we’re doing the most we can.” otto glanced up at me in the mirror.

he knows there’s more to it.

XxX

we arrived at the hospital. the sterile smell made me gag. memories kept flooding my mind. i could see my mom convulsing in a hospital bed, eyes rolling in the back of her head. i could hear my dad’s shouts while he hallucinated, yelling at the doctors and nurses. i was shaking again, but awsten grabbed my hand, interlocking our fingers.

“you’re alright,” he consoled. “they’re gonna fix you up and you’ll be outta here in no time.”

“that’s what they told dad, too.” i whispered, not meaning for him to hear me. his eyes softened.

“geoff wigington?” a nurse called from the door. i looked at awsten.

“yes, i’ll go in with you.” he told me. i nodded and shakily stood up. he took my hand in his again, stroking my thumb. the nurse smiled at us, and led us to a temporary room.

“i just need some information from you,” she said. i nodded and answered every question. “so how’d this happen?” she asked.

“i- uh, i tripped.” i mumbled. “over a cable. i had my guitar so i, like, turned in a bad way, i guess, and ended up slamming my shoulder in to the floor.” she nodded, writing down a few notes. she looked at me with a warm smile.

“a doctor will be in soon, until then, here’s a gown to change in to. feel free to lay down and relax, the tv remote’s next to you, and there’s vending machines down the hall if you’re hungry.” she informed us. “i can send your other friend back, if you want.” i nodded, forgetting otto was sitting in the waiting room alone.

“thank you.” i told her. she smiled at me before leaving.

XxX

“well, mr wigington,” the doctor started. “you’ve dislocated your arm and broke it in three spots.” i nodded, not really knowing what it meant. he paused, looking at otto and awsten. “boys, could you wait outside for a minute? it won’t be long.” the two nodded, scurrying away. the door clicked shut, and the doctor turned to face me.

“mr wigington, have you thought about therapy?” the question caught me off guard.

“the break’s bad enough for pt?” i asked. “it didn’t seem li-”

“i mean counseling.” the doctor cut me off. “you did quite a number on your arm, and i don’t mean the break.” i gulped. “look, i can’t make you do anything, you’re a legal adult and you weren’t admitted for anything mental but,” he frowned. “those look like the cuts i find on suicide victims.” i just nodded, unsure of what else i could do. “i can give you some information on different counselling available in the area, i just want to give you the resources you need to get better. you’re on the brink of not making it if your self-destructive tendencies keep up like this.

 _not making it?_ i thought. _well, that sounds nice._

XxX

i was discharged about an hour later with my shoulder back in it’s socket and my arm in a sling. otto drove me back to my house, and awsten got out of the car.

“aws, i can get my stuff, don’t worry.” i told him.

“oh, fuck no.” he told me. “i’m staying with you for tonight. no way am i leaving you alone to fall and break your other arm.” i groaned.

“aws, i’m fine, i pro-”

“no, geoff,” otto turned the car off. “we’re both crashing here. it’s four in the morning, i’m sorry but i’m not driving to the buttfuck center of houston to drop aws off and then back to my house.” i sighed.

“fine, but you have to go to heb and get ice cream and cereal before we go to bed.” i told him, adjusting the sling.

“why?” he asked. i raised my eyebrow.

“because i want ice cream and cereal, and if i’m hosting a fuckin slumber party, it’s gonna be a good one.” awsten smiled. the blue boy helped me out of the car and grabbed my bag. he tapped on otto’s window, and the brunette rolled it down.

“what?” he asked, as he turned the car back on.

“pick up some orange juice, too.”


	10. nine

the next morning, i woke up to my phone vibrating next to me. i opened my eyes and glanced around, remembering why i was on the couch, how i’d broken my arm, and why awsten and otto were curled up on the floor.

“hello?” i answered my phone groggily.

 _“so the first night i leave the show up to you guys, you trip and break your arm?”_ i sighed. benji.

“i mean, yeah, kind of…” i trailed off. i noticed awsten stirring, so i carefully stepped over them and made my way in to the kitchen.

 _“well, what are we supposed to do now?”_ benji asked. _“all time low still needs an opener.”_

“i mean, i don’t think i have to keep the sling on,” i started, “and the cast will make playing hard but i doubt it’ll be impossible.”

 _“geoff, you’re in a fuckin’ cast, for christ’s sake, i don’t think you can play guitar.”_ i rolled my eyes.

“i broke my wrist on warped tour and still played.” i pointed out.

 _“because you didn’t want to go to a doctor and wouldn’t believe us when we said it was broken. and then what happened?”_ i groaned, knowing what was coming next. _“oh, right, you made it worse by playing.”_

“that was without a cast!” i defended. “seriously, can i just try today and let you know?” the other line was quiet for a few moments.

 _“fine,”_ benji said, after debating his thoughts. _“but don’t push yourself. i don’t want it to get worse.”_

“i won’t.”

_“is otto there?”_

“yeah, but he’s asleep.”

 _“wake him up,”_ he grunted. _“i wanna talk to him.”_ i walked back in to the living room, seeing otto and awsten still sprawled out on the floor.

“psst, otto,” i whispered. “benji’s on the phone.” otto didn’t move. geoff looked around to make sure awsten hadn’t woken up, before nudging otto with his foot. “c’mon, ott, get up.” the curly haired boy started shifting. “atta boy, you can do it.” 

“shut up geoff.” he mumbled sleepily. “why’d you wake me up?” he asked tired, after wiping the sleep away from his eyes.

“benji.” otto woke up almost immediately and snatched the phone from me.

“hey benji,” i couldn’t hear the other side of the conversation, but judging by otto’s side, i could tell what was being said.

“i mean, if he says he can, he probably can’t.” i glared at otto.

“no, he seems okay, really. i think we should let him at least try.”

“no, aws is still asleep.” a pause. “i don’t think we should.” he cast his chocolate eyes to the sleeping blue boy. “he’ll try to keep him from practicing, you know he mothers him.” otto then looked up at me. “yeah, i’ll let him know. bye, benji.” he hung up and handed my phone back to me. “let’s go, we’re practicing to see how you can play before aws wakes up and yells at you for it.”

XxX

“so we can stay on the tour?” i asked hopefully. otto looks hesitant, but nods.

“you’re crazy, man, but yeah, we can stay on tour.” i smiled, relieved. tour was really the best part of being in a band for me. being busy is a great distraction from negative thoughts.

“who the fuck said he could stay on tour?” awsten asked from the door. he looked tired, i assume he’d just woken up.

“benji.” otto answered.

“well, what the fuck does benji know?” awsten yelled. “he didn’t see the fucking fall, or the x-ray. geoff should be home resting, not on tour!”

“aws, i’m fine.” i stated. he looked at me pouting, and crossed his arms.

“aws, if benji says he can tour, he can tour. we have to trust him on this one.” otto reminded him. awsten groaned, before muttering a dramatic “fine”, and storming off in to the living room. i looked at otto with a raised eyebrow. he just shrugged at me, also surprised by awsten’s behavior. i sighed heavily, heaving my chest, and ran a hand through my hair. otto stood up from behind the drum kit and approached me.

“c’mon,” he said, nodding his head towards the door. “you should still get some rest before we leave.”

XxX

_“so they don’t have a clue, right?”_

“no,” i said, shaking my head. “i faked a fall on stage, they don’t think anything else happened.”

 _“wow,”_ he stated. _“i have to admit, i’m pretty impressed. you did a good job, babe.”_ i stayed quiet. _“you know i love you, right?”_

“yeah,” i looked out of my bedroom to where awsten stood in the living room, excitedly playing a game of just dance. i looked away and down to my feet, kicking lightly at the scuffed wooden floor. “i love you too.” i lied.

 _“and you know this isn’t ever gonna happen again, right?”_ i didn’t answer. _“gee?”_ he asked after a few moments of silence.

“i don’t know, jay.” i finally answered. “i don’t wanna be scared of you forever but you’ve said that before.”

_“i know i have, babe, but i mean it this time. i love you, and i don’t wanna hurt you anymore.”_

“okay.” i quietly answered.

_“i have to go now, babe, i’ll talk to you later. i love you.”_

“i love you too.” i quickly hung up the phone and shut the door to my bedroom, blocking awsten and otto’s view of me. i stared at the full length mirror that was hung from my closet door. slowly, i pulled off the sweater i was wearing, leaving me shirtless. i gazed at my bare torso, taking in the bruises that were splattered across me. some were fresh, a dark purple that would last for several more weeks, and some were old, the only evidence of them ever being there being the yellow undertones left from the faded purple hues. scratches lined my left arm, going further than the cast covered, all the way up my arms. my ribs had started protruding from my skin, and my hip and collar bones were becoming more and more prominent.

i looked nothing like i did three months ago.

amazing how three months of beatings can change a person.

XxX

 

i totally rewrote this chapter bc im 90% sure i wasn’t sober when i uploaded the other chapter nine and it was TOTAL ass hahahaha


	11. chapter ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shitty filler. sorry i've been gone. been a long couple months. i know this chapter isn't the best, and i'll probably rewrite it but i feel like shit for not uploading and just need to put something up.

“ _wait_ , you’re staying on the tour?” jay asked me later that night. otto and awsten had both gone home after we practiced, and we agreed we’d all meet monday to go to the next venue, since we conveniently had the weekend off. as soon as they left, jay asked to come over. i knew i wouldn’t be seeing him for a while, so i agreed. i was curled into his chest on the couch, and we were watching netflix.

“yeah,” i told him, looking up. “i practiced with otto today, i can still play fine.” his eyes were dark.

“i don’t think you should.” i sat up and moved away from him, looking at him surprised.

“what?” i asked, shocked. “babe, this is my job. i can’t not go on tour.” i explained to him. “this is my living. this is how i pay rent and the bills. i need to do this.” he shook his head.

“you’re hurt, though. you should be home resting. you should be home with _me_.” he told me. i stood up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. “where are you going?” he yelled, standing up and following me. i grabbed my car keys off the counter and went to leave the kitchen, but jay blocked the doorway. “where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he growled.

“for a drive.” i spat back. before i could stop it, his fist flew up and hit me in the face. the blow wasn’t enough to knock me down, but i heard a sickening crack and blood was pouring from my nose. tears sprung up in my eyes and my hand covered my nose. this time was different.

there was no remorse in his eyes. the fire of anger hadn’t died out.

i shoved past him, grabbing a sweatshirt off my coat rack and sprinting out the front door to my car. jay stood in the doorway, staring at me as i pulled out of the driveway. i held the sweatshirt up to my face, trying to get the bleeding to stop.

“fuck!” i yelled in frustration. driving with a cast and a bloody nose is a lot harder than it seems. i got a mile away from my house and pulled over in front of a familiar state park. the bleeding had subsided after a few minutes. i turned the car off and relaxed, trying to figure out my next move. i glanced in my backseat, seeing all of my tour stuff was packed and in my car. i let out a breath of relief. i really didn’t have to go home until after tour.

i pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed a familiar number.

“hey, otto, what are you doing?”

XxX

twenty minutes later, after a solo stop at a gas station bathroom to get the blood off my face, otto and i were in my car, driving around with a lit blunt going between the two of us.

we drove around for a while, listening to music and enjoying the houston breeze. as i turned a corner, i slammed on the brakes, and otto’s hand flew out to the dashboard to keep him from hitting it.

“what the fuck?” otto asked, shocked. he looked ahead of us. “oh my god!” i put the car in park and stepped out of the driver’s seat. i bent down to my knees and put my hand in front of me. the black cat that was in the middle of the road came trotting up to me immediately. “that’s jet!” otto yelled. i checked the collar of the friendly cat and nodded.

“call aws.” i told him, picking up the purring cat. jet nuzzled his head in to my chest, and i chuckled. “just our fuckin’ luck…”

“we have your cat!” otto yelled in to the phone. i glanced over and saw he was on facetime with awsten, and he’d flipped the camera to show me and jet to him. i got back in to the car, and put jet in the backseat. instead, the cat climbed in to the front and got on my lap. i groaned. otto got in to the passenger seat after getting off the call and took a picture of me with the cat. the flash went off and i laughed, flipping off the camera. “let’s go, we gotta bring jet home.” otto giggled and i rolled my eyes at what a lightweight he was. before i put my car in to drive, i checked my phone, seeing texts from awsten.

_\- IF YOU’RE GOING ON L RIDES WITHOUT ME WE HAVE AN ISSUE_

_\- YOU INVITED OTTO BUT NOT ME?????_

_\- I’LL REMEMBER THIS, GEOFF._

i chuckled at the texts before replying.

_\- wow, jet isn’t the only pussy ivin in your house, huh???_

_\- i have three blunts left, come for a ride with me and otto after we drop off jet._

i started driving, and otto reached for the aux chord. immediately, i swatted his hand away and plugged it into my phone.

“what the hell?” he whined. “why don’t you guys ever let me put music on?”

“because it’s always my chem and i wanna listen to bay faction.” i told him, putting on a spotify playlist. he stayed quiet and five minutes later, we were at awsten’s. i picked jet up and started getting out of the car. otto went to get out of the car but i immediately shook my head. “you’re too high to talk to awsten’s parents right now, stay here.” otto went to argue, but i raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed.

“fine.” he muttered. i rolled my eyes at how moody he was, and started the walk to awsten’s doorstep with jet in my hands. once i reached the large, white door i readjusted jet in my arms so i had a free hand to ring the doorbell with. gracie opened the door and looked at me.

“holy shit, is that my cat?” she took jet out of my arms and hugged him to her chest. “jesus, we were so worried, jet!” the cat stared blankly back at gracie. a few awkward moments passed.

“can you get awsten?” i asked, rubbing the back of my neck. “he wanted to hang out with me and otto.” she nodded and headed back inside, screaming for the blue haired boy. a few seconds later, he was rushing down the stairs.

“i’ll be home eventually!” he yelled, grabbing his hoodie off the coat rack and running on to his front porch, slamming the door behind him. he looked at me, down at my arm, and then back at me. “can you even drive with that thing?” he asked.

“not well.” i admitted. he rolled his eyes.

“we’ll take my car and i’ll drive.” i nodded and we turned to my car, waving for otto to follow us. “grab the bud!” awsten yelled 

“awsten costantine knight, i swear if i find out you’re smoking and driving i will make sure you don’t leave the house until you go on tour!” mrs. knight scolded from the bedroom window.

“moooom,” he whined, pouting. “stop embarrassing me!”

“getting arrested for driving under the influence will be a lot more embarrassing!” she yelled back.

“don’t worry mrs knight!” i called. “i won’t let him smoke and drive, i’ll be driving, i haven’t smoked!”

_lying through my teeth, as per usual._

“oh, geoff, always such a sweetheart. thank you!” she yelled from the window. i gave her a thumbs up and we walked back towards my car.

“i thought i was driving?” awsten asked.

“are you already high?” i questioned. “we just told your mom i was driving, why would we go to your car if she thinks i’m driving?” awsten flipped me off and i just rolled my eyes. as we got closer to my car, he started whining.

“why is otto in the front seat? i wanna sit in the front. i’m taller than him, that’s not fai-”

“nothing’s fair, welcome to the real world.”

XxX

half an hour later, otto, awsten, and i were back at the park. we giggled at the stars and smoked our blunts, laughing at the absurd things that were falling out of each others mouths.

“remember how we didn’t know what furries were when we made the crave video?” otto asked. me and awsten let out a loud laugh at the memory and nodded. “i have a secret.”

“oh no…” awsten’s eyes widened. “dude, if you’re about to, like, come out as a furry to us or some shit, that’s, like, great on you but i’m seriously not abo-”

“jesus christ, awsten, i’m not a fuckin’ furry.”

“then what the fuck is your secret?” i asked, confused.

“psst,” he motioned for us to lean forward. “i’m not a furry…” he glanced back and forth between the two boys, then around all three of them, almost like he was looking for someone. kinda unsettling, not gonna lie. otto finishes his look around and turns to face us. quietly, the drummer leaned in. his brown eyes were furrowed with concentration. how long was he gonna drag this out for, holy fuck. “...but travis is.”

a scream came from next to me.

“what the _fuck_ do you mean?!” awsten shouted. his eyes were wide, and his jaw was dropped from the shock. “how the fuck?? like, i always knew something was, like, a little off with him, but holy _shit_ , dude, i did _not_ expect that.”

i just hit my blunt again.

_why am i not surprised travis is a furry?_


End file.
